Voice: How It’s Amplified (or silenced)

Voice: How It’s Amplified (or silenced)

An unspoken reality exists for an American born citizen of Filipino descent.  When she enters a random eatery, a store, or her church home and meets an unmistakable hate-filled stare of a caucasian, she does not walk alone.  She is a mom, wife, sister, and friend.  She is an office worker, her skin as brown as her ancestors who toiled in the hot sun before going home to feed their families.  

This American will not avert her eyes in fear or shame.  Instead she’ll meet enmity with the calm, unflinching gaze of someone who knows what she is and what she is not.  She is not a receptacle for the hatred of others.  Nor is she a symbolic threat to a vulnerable social order fraying at the seams.

As this woman breathes in and breathes out, she’ll picture familiar faces of caring family, friends and colleagues before turning away from a hate-filled stare, free to walk away with the peaceful calm she came into this world knowing.

Filipino immigrants arrived in America during the 1830’s.  When the U.S. Government passed the Immigration Act of 1924 to allow cheap agricultural labor, the number of immigrants from the Philippines grew.  Within a few years, the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl, demoralized the nation with crippling poverty.  Desperation evoked immense hostility towards Filipinos, Chinese, Japanese, as well as other Asians and Mexican immigrants.  The majority population no longer viewed the farm workers as cost effective labor, perceiving them instead as economic and reproductive rivals.

In 2018brown skinned Filipino Americans, continue along a distinctive maze within a system that has remained efficient in sorting and processing human experiences on the basis of race and skin color.  Census reports estimate approximately 4 million Filipinos in the United Statesmaking them the second largest Asian American demographic.  Despite having assimilated over several generations, Filipino Americans still often face a certain question upon first meeting an acquaintance.

“So where are you from anyway?” It’s an ask suggestive that an American born citizen, is little more than a poser.

A response such as Burbank, Boulder, or Pittsburgh,  is often met with,“Come on, you know what I mean, where are your parents from?” 

In persisting, the questioner perpetuates a form of social dominance learned in childhood and perfected to reflexive discourse by young adulthood.  This particular social artifice is designed to coerce someone with darker skin and different features, to say the very words meant to define them.

I was born in Pittsburgh about a year after my parents moved here from the Philippines.  Gotta love those Penguins –”

“Oh,” is the common reply, followed by, “You’re Filipino.” 

In that momenta Filipino American is “just” Filipino.  Her identity as an American erased in a fleeting moment of casual racism, with an implicit bias that casts her as Outsider within a society she has called home since birth.

Many American born citizens of Asian lineage, have been opening up about the ways in which this type of social interaction evokes an emotional cocktail of anxiety, confounding disbelief, and an understanding of the intention with which the question was asserted.

Not as frowned upon as name-calling, derision, or verbal or physical assault, this micro-aggression has been green-lighted in the same way that staring, excluding or ignoring have been condoned as falling within acceptable limits of racial bias.  As a direct result, they shape a framework of interactions that distinguishes an Asian American’s experience from that of others.

These are the social norms that amount to the hundreds of tiny cuts that Asian Americans often hide from themselves and from those who inflict them out of fear of confrontation or knowing the likelihood of outright denial or both.  According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), the micro-aggressions of racial bias, take a steep psychological and physical toll on the well-being of Filipino Americans that manifest in the form of generalized anxiety, depression, and correlated persistent thoughts of suicide.

In spite of a growing awareness of such factors, when many caucasians are questioned about the relevance of asking, “Where are you really from?” they take umbrage, double down and curse the imposition of politically correct etiquette when it would be more accurate to call it social etiquette.

Other Caucasian Americans are keen to feign harmless curiosity.  Citing it as an attempt to become better acquainted is either disingenuous or points to a willful ignorance of other countless ice breakers such as favorite sports, books or music that would serve the same purpose. 

It bears repeating that these are micro-aggressions between strangers.  Authentic, more intimate conversations among stronger acquaintances, friends or colleagues present opportunities for everyone to learn more about each other, themselves and a society that sometimes does not grant the time or space to allow for candid, meaningful discussions.

It’s also true that a great deal of honesty and compassion is required for this kind of a talk.  Some people are uncomfortable having them much in the same way they prefer to not discuss politics, religion, sex or money.  Staying the course of small talk, weather and gossip is the path of least resistance.

Having the choice to engage or not in such topics of conversation, along with weightier issues of blatant discrimination, serves to illustrate a reality that White Americans are in essence moderators of free speech in a monolithic social order.  It’s a role that many have fulfilled with a sort of noblesse oblige.

Some have not.  Some White Americans relegate Native, Asian, Black, Latino Americans to the unwritten rank of second class citizenry and do their utmost to keep them there via social and cultural norms that reinforce their status.  Though laws have ameliorated in-fighting to varying degrees of civility as monitored through the meticulous lens of Social Media, the playing field is far from level.

This is a system that has sustained itself in a perpetual loop with an impetus that has only begun to slow in recent years. Many Native, Caucasian, Black, Filipino, Asian, and Latino Americans have been advocating for a socio-political system upgrade for several decades.  America 2.0 and 3.0 cannot compete in a world of nations whose operating systems are running on their own versions 10+ with no signs of slowing.

System failures produce one of two outcomes:  correct it or continue failing.  

This is just as true of a nation whose operating system, in simplistic terms, is the language of a free market.  

When evaluated against an economy of scales, White Supremacy is no longer profitable for the United States.

It became cost prohibitive long ago.

White Nationalism reached a point of diminishing returns long before its lack of viability was acknowledged.  In fact, the recent revitalization of a 1950’s white male patriarchy has amounted to little more than ersatz rebranding of a twice failed business model.

Activists have been enlisting the support of influential corporate sponsors in the fight for equality.  By pulling their ads from celebrity entertainment news programs that are platforms for right and alt right invective, the free market has weighed in with a clear response:   buying power is the new equalizer.

Recent polls reflect strong disapproval of the current administration, with voters expressing their views of recent policy changes, including climate change reforms and hastily crafted tax measures, as expensive mistakes that they and future generations will be paying to correct for years.  What’s more, White House officials have been forging deals that violate the Emoluments Clause, thus further lining their own pockets while a nation of poverty stricken minimum wage earners and a struggling middle class, are left to fight for scraps.

Conservatives, the alt right, other white supremacy groups and their sympathizers, continue to belittle “progressives” and accuse minorities of playing the race or victim card, while refusing to deal a new hand from a fresh deck let alone rethink the same tired arguments.  Self-proclaimed “MAGA” defenders of a government that demands fealty, the right and alt right support the blatant disregard for democratic rules that framed the Constitution.  

In refusing to see the larger picture that the spectrum of voters across all party lines and nationalities are being used as pawns, their willingness to further this administration’s agenda has proven itself useful for now.

American citizens who draw strength from each other as equals and allies grant themselves freedom and space to find common ground.  The result is often an instinctive generosity of spirit, one that breeds innovation, transcends any social order and surpasses any zero sum gain narrow-mindedness that has spread across the country under the guise of revisionist nativism.  

Humansborn innocent of these distinctions, arrive in a world quick to label them, yet are nonetheless equipped with the inherent wisdom to recognize and respond to love.  It will be a while before they begin to understand the strange phenomenon of identity politicsfirst learning the most basic principles of the human condition:  hunger vs. satiety, loneliness vs. contact, sadness vs. comfort, sorrow vs. joy.  

If lucky, children are taught to navigate the dichotomy between love and hate, further down the road, well past their impressionable formative years.  It is a universal hope among parents, that their children will not have to face racism at all, and if they must, will do so by holding with steadfast courage onto the peaceful calm they came into this world knowing.

Snail Mail, e-Mail and texts, cc: future self

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A couple of weeks ago, I dropped my phone.  It was unsalvageable.

Because the screen was unreadable, my contacts, texts and photos couldn’t be ported onto my new phone.  I tagged that as a task on my trusty laptop for later.

So, a few days ago I started searching through years’ worth of old emails, seeking favorite pics, frequent contacts, and the like.  It would have to do, I thought to myself, until I took the time to transfer everything.

Within minutes I came across several notes between me and my husband, back when our little girl was less than a year old … spanning through her fourth birthday and beyond  … and it felt just as poignant as unearthing an old box of handwritten letters.

Vivid details of plans, conversations, sobriquets, mid-day updates, ETAs, thoughts and hopes we’d shared, stared up at me:  an e-mail time capsule.

I thought about those arbitrary moments on random days when we’d taken a few seconds to dash off a note and hit ‘send.’

I thought about our earlier years of parenthood.  Then, I remembered something long before then.

Our first Christmas, twenty years ago, he was visiting his brothers in Oregon since he had made plans with them prior to meeting me that summer. We agreed to “practical, easy to pack” presents that we were to open together over the phone.

I had found a sweater that I hoped he’d like.  Practical, yes though not compact or very imaginative.  He was gracious but more interested in hearing me open mine.

Inside the package lay a long white box and a fatter square one, each wrapped with care.

Plying the tape with tentative fingernails, I was intent on saving the paper (it was so pretty and, it’s something I do).

”Are you trying to save the wrapping paper?” he chuckled.  “Open the long one first.”

Beneath was a pristine white box that housed a navy blue case; its hinged lid opened with a crisp, satisfying sound.

There, nestled against silk lining, lay a beautifully crafted fountain pen.

”Every writer should have one,” he said.  “The other one goes with it.”

Speechless, I opened the smaller box: a fresh bottle of black ink.

I gasped and may have uttered a ‘thank you!’ but I do know he could tell he’d chosen well.

”I’m glad you like it. I’ll be home soon.”

We spoke for a while longer and just after hanging up, I noticed a note lying at the bottom of the box he’d shipped.  It was a hand-written message, in calligraphy like cursive on ersatz parchment paper no bigger than a three by five memo.

’To My Dearest Sylvia….’

I know it word for word, because I still have it tucked inside a keepsake bin.

I’ve been meaning to frame it.

For twenty years it’s been archived like a secret of its own.  All that was needed to nudge its rediscovery was a phone, clumsily broken in haste, several old email messages, and a dusting of near forgotten memories.

 

 

 

 

 

Haste

6271B222-E18C-488E-AB45-F73B5CE81503.jpegA couple of weeks ago, I dropped my phone on the cement parking lot of my daughter’s summer art camp.  It landed facedown, with the technological equivalence and precision of a belly flop.

The resounding, unmistakable moment of impact informed me: it’s toast.

I gathered it up and went about my day.  It was far from uneventful.

Later, after picking Grace up and once settled at home, she was giddy.

”When are you getting a new phone, Mommy?”

”Not sure, honey, maybe this weekend … tomorrow’s Friday already.  One day without a phone isn’t the end of the world.”

(I’m sure I sounded as unconvincing as I felt.)

”Well, Mom … I just texted Daddy from my Kindle and he says if he can make it home by six o’clock, then we could go tonight.”

(She was trying so hard to sound non-chalant, I felt compelled to go along.)

… 2 hours later we all had new phones …

(fortunately, our old contracts were up; even so, I had decided months prior to hold onto my phone for at least another year)

Maybe it was the change in my original plans; or, my clumsiness that triggered this sudden chain of events or perhaps it was the melee of setting up user id’s, connecting everyone’s WiFi … or that because my screen was so shattered, none of my data could be ported over just yet.

Maybe it was the fact that even though my e-mail verification code could now be sent to a functioning phone, I had just recently reset the password and couldn’t recall it for anything ….

(Besides, since my original e-mail was tied to my old iPod and this iPhone required the old Apple ID, I now had a new email address and Apple ID!)

… all I know was that I was feeling very disoriented.  I felt rushed.

I don’t enjoy feeling rushed and making rushed decisions.

It was exactly because I had been rushing around that morning that led to more of the same.

I had been feeling the need to slow down for months.  It was a perfect storm of Grace’s end of school year activities/ tests/ parties, picnics along with my work demands and … LIFE … that would not, could not accommodate a slow down.

It wasn’t an option.

That’s what I was telling myself, and I believed it.

That night, all of us crashed a bit later than usual, each of us tethered to new extensions of ourselves.  Each of us more connected and less so at the same time.

I recall drifting to sleep with an odd blend of resistance to letting go tinged with the sweet promise that comes with having a blank slate.

”Tomorrow I’ll take some time to make a list and get better organized … right after I figure out how to reset my old e-mail password and synch it with my new one… I’ll set the time limits and parental controls on her phone …”

These and other random thoughts chased, rather than lulled me into a REM state, for just enough hours to get me through the next work day.

 

 

(One of) Her Pet Peeves

Grace:  Mom, you know what one of my pet peeves is?  When someone’s wearing a shirt and tie and their neck hangs over the collar.

Me:  Huh.  That sounds very specific.

Grace:  (giggles)

Breakthrough

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On my way to pick up my daughter from summer camp yesterday, a nagging question pervaded my thoughts.  I kept wondering:

Is society forcing kids to focus on the daily minutiae of life at the expense of its magic?  All in the name of conformity … to the extent that they soon forget what’s most important to them as individuals … the very thoughts, dreams and feelings that make them unique?

Deep down I knew the answer and it bothered me.

I resolved that it was a great day to recommit to my parenting philosophy of embracing her as she is, not as movies or commercials or some individuals in life, expect kids to behave all the time.

On the way home, she and I had an easygoing talk in the car.  Out of the blue she began to describe one of her friend’s recent disappointments.  I asked, “What’s the most disappointing experience you’ve ever had in your life?”  Her response was her second grade school year.

At that moment, we pulled into our driveway and spotted a baby bunny in our backyard.  We snapped a photo of it, went inside the house and got ourselves settled.

As I made her something to eat, I encouraged her to tell me more about what had happened in the second grade.

She donned a quasi-serious pose, cupped her chin and with an uncanny impersonation of Sigmund Freud’s deep voice she quipped, “Well, you see, it was quite a negative experience, my dear.”

Just like that.

I started to laugh, and couldn’t stop.

She then proceeded to describe specific comments her teacher had made that year, still continuing her faux Freudian stance, and then I got it.

That her second grade year had been challenging was not news to me.  I know what happened from my standpoint and I had felt her pain.  Her take on it yesterday was different though.

Not only was she sharing with me how hurt she had felt in a classroom years ago, she was buffering it with humor.  My guess was that she was deflecting so as not to relive the experience … and perhaps to avoid seeing “that look” on my face. (The worried one, the one she’s grown to recognize so well).

She described other school situations, still deflecting with humor.

Despite my understanding of what was at the bottom of it all, relief washed over me.

Through her experience, she had grown stronger and she had learned the power of cultivating a healthy sense of humor.  What’s more, she had opened up to me.

After setting down her bowl of pasta in front of her, I gave her a big hug.  I thanked her for sharing her feelings with me.  I told her how proud I am of her, and her bravery.

I asked her why she had never shared the story and those particular comedy stylings with me before.  She laughed and said, “We’ve never been this honest.”

As I sit here typing, I can’t help but shake my head with wonder at the realization that one question in the car had triggered this chain of events.

In retrospect, I had chosen a thought process and mindset well before that moment, a conscious choice that framed the rest of our evening.  As she continues to learn and grow, it will have been a day worth remembering … and worth holding onto as another reminder of the difference that one small, positive thought can make.  Just like that.

Mystery

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You do not solve the mystery, you live the mystery.  ~Frederick Buechner

Sometimes I forget myself.  Other times, I forget to get over myself.  It gets dicey for me in the complex maze of Id versus Ego versus Superego.

It seems like feeling comfortable with mystery is a state of being that exists at the end of that maze, and if I can make it through then I will learn to live – and learn to write – there on the other side.

 

Unpromising

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Buechner wrote, “Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances, even in the midst of suffering with tears in the eyes.”

The word “unpromising” jumps out at me.  It makes me wonder, what makes us render a circumstance as promising versus not?  Obvious life or death situations aside, how do we gauge opportunities for finding, or creating joy?

For instance, there are some days when I dread getting in the car to drive anywhere, while other days I don’t give it a second thought.

I suspect that on the days when taking care of every day life responsibilities feels second nature to me, my core values are in line with my actions, thoughts and behavior.  I see the miracles:  the smile on my daughter’s face, her laughter; watching a neighbor walk past with a spring in his step and the wagging tail of his dog beside him; blooming daffodils, soft chirping of birds; a cross guard helping people across a busy street.

On the other hand, those days when I’m just ‘not feeling it,’ pretty much everything seems unpromising.  I don’t see any miracles.

I feel like the word “unpromising” centers around perceptions or more specifically, perceived expectations, and especially (self) imposed ones.

Perhaps it isn’t a question of when joy may occur for anyone, than it is an ability to recognize it as a state of being … one that transcends circumstance.

If so, then this is an encouraging thought, in that such a skill is within anyone’s reach or at least it’s within the reach of anyone who is inclined to learn it.

 

 

 

 

A Neat, Tidy Post On An Ugly Subject

Self-command is the main elegance. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s going on a year since I’ve published a post here.  Any of my free time for writing has been devoted to one project and an unpublished blog.

A lot has happened.  Much has stayed the same.

About this time last year, I wrote several private posts about who I predicted would be in office and the reasons why I personally understood the likelihood of the current POTUS, not the least of which was the electoral college.

I mentioned this to one acquaintance and he mansplained to me that the electoral college voting system wasn’t an issue, and that it wouldn’t be a factor in this particular election.

Bottom line:  the campaign, what it meant to various voting demographics and why, the outcome and the aftermath of this last U.S. election all brought up significant questions for me that I thought I’d resolved years ago.

Although I had resolved them, this past year has served as a stark reminder to me, that varying views of political ideology, economics, gender, race and religion are not resolved for many people across the country.

Being a first generation American Filipina.

Being a working woman in a male-dominated industry.

Being a mom to a young girl forming her own identity and worldview.

I am all of the above and more.  These personal descriptions amount to socially awkward topics of conversation to say the least.

When in doubt, say nothing.

I chose to say nothing here too because, well because it’s a public blog.

I realize that regardless of what I say or do not say in these pages, is of little to no consequence.  Yet, at least I will have used my voice.

There will always be people in power in the U.S. and other countries, who are unable to govern themselves.  When lack of self-discipline is the least of a public official’s shortcomings, it stands to reason that such a person is incapable of properly serving the public’s best interests.  Such people seek power as a source of external validation.

There will always be people without power in the U.S. and other countries, who hold themselves to unparalleled ethical standards to the degree that they comprehend their inherent value.  Therefore, they respect the inherent value of other human beings.  Such people do not seek power for the sheer fact that they already possess it from within.

Those in the second category are true leaders.

They do not crave the spotlight.  They are not driven by a compulsive need to dominate others as a poor substitute for understanding and managing their own basic needs, desires or fears.

Real leaders govern themselves with self-respect borne of authentic compassion as opposed to ego-driven vanity.  They conduct themselves with tact, thoughtfulness, deliberation and prudence.

My hope for this POTUS is that he will find a way to humble himself.

My hope for those who supported this POTUS into power, is that they seek to understand the reasons why so many did not rather than stamp them as “poor losers.”

My hope for those who feel that they lost something in the election, is to uncover within themselves what that loss represented to them.

Was it a loss of power?  A voice?  Recognition?  Inclusion?  Was it hope?

Whatever the answer, my hope is that anyone who felt a loss, take one step, one productive action to reclaim it.

It could be joining a march to support a cause, writing a letter to a local representative or just reaching out to a friend to discuss that sense of loss.

It could even be as simple as writing a public post or composing a quiet private prayer.

It doesn’t even have to be neat or tidy.  Go ahead, be messy.  Sometimes it’s just more fun that way.  Get angry, let it all out.

Then, edit and click “publish publicly.”

 

 

 

 

One Nation Under God, Indivisible

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(Photo by Avelino Maestas)

It’s a confusing election year, with enough drama to rival that of any current Showtime series.  I love a great TV drama as much as the next person.

What’s troubling to me is that many voters seem to be swept along a dichotomy that the presidential nominees, and the media that serves them, are eager to embrace for the sheer fact that by doing so it becomes easier for the mass public to view each candidate as a caricature.  It’s easier to forget that this is not a reality TV show.

It’s easier for many voters to look at Donald Trump and make the snap judgment that, because he looks like they do, and because he is quick to say things that they think to themselves but are afraid to say out loud, that it is safe to vote for him.  They seem to think that it’s okay to overlook his absurd conduct, racist remarks and his dismissal of national security in his never ending quest to self promote.

It’s easier for many voters to look at Hillary Clinton and make the snap judgment that, because she holds a political pedigree, and because she is poised enough to say the right things in the right way, that it is okay to overlook her true conduct and that it is safe(r) to vote for her despite her breach of national security.

What’s tougher is to step back and take a detached view of the situation.  Do all elections carry an air of unique gravitas?  Yes.  Has the earth continued to spin on its axis after each and every election?  Yes.

Yet, 2016 seems to epitomize a cultural shift that has been percolating since Rodney King’s angst-ridden rhetorical question (Why can’t we all just get along??) went viral, before anyone was aware what it meant for something to go viral.

This election takes that sentiment even further with the distillation of both candidates into convenient polarities (e.g. the pessimist vs the optimist, good old boys club vs progressive, salesman vs academic, etc).

If only it were that simple.

For me the path that either could lead the U.S. down could not feel more uncertain.

One road is fraught with fear.  There’s a sense that if Trump is elected president, that hate mongering and isolationism will not only be allowed, it will be necessary.

On the other hand, the clichéd promotion of a White House elitist’s career is a campaign that many working class citizens find off-putting.  It is difficult to feel a connection with Clinton as her way of life is so far removed from that of a typical voter regardless of gender.

Trump can do no wrong in the eyes of the so-called silent majority.

Clinton can do no wrong in the eyes of the Washington privileged who enfold her in a cocoon and protect her from having to face the consequences of her actions.

What is the worst that can happen if Trump wins?  There will be a heavier hand in office who will make it necessary to be less politically correct (read: insensitive and intolerant of anyone who isn’t like Trump), alienates the U.S. from allies and who is hopefully kept in check by Congress.

What is the worst that can happen if Clinton wins?  There will be a president in the oval office who has shown that she can be a shrewd, relentless politician who often displays self-serving ambitions.

I find both options restrictive, at best.

Candidates aside, the electoral college system needs to go.  As long as it’s still around, the U.S. will not reflect an authentic modern-day democratic process.

As for the Pledge of Allegiance that many of us grew up swearing before the United States flag throughout elementary school (“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”) ….. it still gives me goosebumps.

Our country is already great.

Liberty and justice for all, means just that, no more or less.  That’s something that whatever the outcome of November 8th, I hope everyone remembers.

Schrodinger’s Goldfish

“No, don’t throw it out, God might bring it back to life!”

These past few months flew by.  Basketball, volleyball, soccer practices and games with a couple of weeks jammed with all three several times a week are still swirling in a cloud (fog?) above my head … an odd montage of assorted memories and mixed emotions.

I’ve made little time to work on my writing project, or to post here.

Today, after work/school/homework/dinner, my daughter ran upstairs to find her goldfish dead.  Other “family fish” in the giant tank downstairs have died, and been discovered by her, in the past.  This was her goldfish.  She had picked him out herself in February and named him Darwin.

“He was the best goldfish in the entire world,” she sobbed.

In her mind, being Easter week, I should keep him there in her tank in case God decides to bring him back to life “like Lazarus and Jesus.”

With this reasoning, she concluded he was both dead and could possibly be alive … one day.

My knee-jerk reaction was to speed things along.  I almost rolled my eyes.  (I know, not my proudest moment.)  Instead, I hugged her as she bawled unabashedly.

I recalled a text message from J (my husband):  a “Ladybug Kit” he’d ordered was shipped via UPS today.”  I realized it could very well be outside.  I spent the next few minutes distracting her, getting her downstairs and getting her settled so that ladybug recon could commence.

Seconds later, I found it by the front door.  “Open Immediately” read the label on the package.

So we did.  Diversionary tactic completed, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hours later, I pondered several facets of the evening’s events, not the least of which was my own mini-Schroedinger’s reaction to my daughter’s reaction upon her discovery of the expired goldfish:  my impulse was to fast forward.  In my mind, I was already beyond the funereal flush and onto the next stage in our end-of-day routine.

I was her mom, and schedule keeper, at the same time.  Yet, her theorizing and denial surrounding mortality, was a plea for me to just be Mom … and to comfort her.  I did just that, yet I couldn’t help but wonder.

When exactly had I forgotten how big a deal a goldfish is?

Suddenly, I felt old and jaded.  This wasn’t about me though.  Well, it was and it wasn’t. (Here I go again).

Growing up, my mom let us kids have dogs, cats, a turtle and at one point an errant bird that my grandfather nursed back to health and released into the woods out back.  I never owned fish until years later when J built a pond in our backyard and we stocked it with some Koi fish.  They were pretty, and actually friendly.

A few years later, one of them grew ill.  I had read somewhere that feeding it a pea could clear up any blockages, if that was the issue. To this day I recollect J standing in the middle of the pond, patiently coaxing a pea into the koi fish’s mouth, to no avail despite multiple genuine attempts to nurse the slimy sucker back to life.  (As we get older, the definition of love can change in surprising ways.)  I stood off to the side, teary-eyed and anxious … over a fish!  Yet, I remember that feeling, “but it’s Bluey, the first koi that we picked out together.”

What happened to that girl awaiting the fate of a koi fish?

Am I old? (getting there)  Jaded? (hope not)

Weary?  Most likely.

Women, and moms get weary.  As do little girls.  And men and dads for that matter. Life is busy, often confusing, with competing demands on our time and energy that can seem overwhelming or altogether too easy to fast forward through in an attempt to cut off pesky things like reflection and emotion.

That girl, awaiting the fate of a koi fish … is sitting here typing.  She loves her little girl, she understands her.

And now … she knows how to set up a Ladybug Habitat.